Seeking God in Uncomfortable Conversations

Have you been struggling with conversations that become uncomfortable, maybe someone else tends to jump in and say things that you feel offended by, or you say something with good intentions not taken well by the other person, or the other person reacts to something you say in a way that is offensive to you?

Start by praying for God to open your heart to understand. Ask yourself if you are truly willing to open yourself up to allow God to change you in a way that improves your relationship with the other person and shows evidence of the Holy Spirit working within you, and pray to God asking him to do so. Remember that whatever you ask in Christ (that is, asking for what is in alignment with what God wants) will be given to you. I pray these things for you as well.

Read Ephesians 4, especially v31-32.

4:31 Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you, along with all malice. 4:32 Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you.

    a) List what Paul urges us to put away
    b) List what Paul tells us to replace it with

What is the content of your speech (what do you talk about)...
    a) to your pastor or therapist?
    b) to your friends?

    c) to friends/casual acquaintances?
    d) to or around the specific person?
    e) in your prayer to God - are you going to God in prayer?

How much of your words and thoughts flow out of the Eph 4:31 list?
    a) How much of your conversation is complaining or talking about yourself? 

    b) Confess to God those parts of your thoughts and words that are frequently spilling out of the 4:31 list and start giving those things over to God. 

    c) Consider limiting complaining/“venting” to less than a third of your conversation, and only in private and limiting most of that to a very few trusted/wise persons. I have found people have started pulling away from me when the content of my speech is heavily weighted with complaining and dumping my woes/anxieties/tribulations. Yes, we want to be honest, but we also want our speech to be seasoned with the fruit of the spirit so as not to grieve God or others. Try to become aware of when your content becomes heavily weighted with your own concerns. Make a conscious decision to ask about the other person, showing a genuine interest in their life. Share and discuss the good things, not just the things that are weighing you down.

Read Romans 12, especially v.19b, "Vengeance is mine, I will repay, says the Lord". God wants us to not only give our own sins to him but also lay at the cross the sins/offenses committed against us, give them over to Him. He wants you to leave those with him and forgive. He can handle it. He is in control. He uses even the hard things in our life for our good. Trust him.

    
What would it look like if you replaced more of your conversation with the Eph 4:32 list?

Read James 1, especially verse 19-20. Go through each: What does each of the James 1:19 practices say about God? What does it mean to you? How might you apply it to your own conversations?
    a) be quick to listen
    b) be slow to speak
    c) be slow to anger

I personally find all three practices to be incredibly difficult when I am speaking with someone who is offending me in what they are saying. I either want to run away and stop my ears to avoid pain, or try to correct them and control what they say. In contrast, the first step to growth and progress is to follow these three practices found in James 1:19. My natural inclination is to be quick to anger. In the moment I tend to respond with destructive argumentative, blaming, or critical speech right back at them, returning “evil for evil”, but that allows the heat to rise and causes the conflict to escalate. Instead, I have to tell myself - close your mouth just a little longer. Refrain from responding right away. While it may not feel natural, letting the other person have their say (even when it hurts) in the end produces a more constructive and de-escalating effect rather than interrupting and insisting I add my own hurt feelings and angry responses to the mix. In the middle of the waiting through the person's uncomfortable or painful speech, praying silently and desperately to God. Turning it over to Him and trusting him completely. 

How can you listen and respond constructively without being quick to speak? While it's not easy, you might try adopting an open and teachable attitude, taking to mind (listen to) what they're saying, reflecting on whether anything they are saying may be true or why they might be saying it. Try to sort out what's true versus what's an emotion they are feeling that may be exaggerated/reactive that can be let go and not taken too personally. Owning any and all of your own part in the conflict, apologizing where needed and committing yourself to working on those things in the future (whether you say those out loud or just commit them to God in your head silently). Work on responding minimally and calmly, without escalating or trying to control or complaining or bitterness. In some cases, like when you or the other person are worked up and not thinking clearly, one option is not responding/reacting at all outwardly (besides simple acknowledgement you heard them) but pausing yourself, taking a breath, accepting and moving on to focus on something else when you are able. Jotting it down later and reflecting in your private journal could be helpful in processing such hard and uncomfortable conversations, or bringing it up vulnerably with a trusted counselor later in private. Meanwhile, with longsuffering patience on our part, and throwing our dependence and trust entirely on God instead of leaning on our own feelings, reactions, and desires, the other person’s offensive speech will eventually move on and start to lose its power over you. When and if both you and the other person are in a state of mind to be open, willing and able to have a calm and productive discourse, focus on constructive problem solving rather than blame and shame, considering the other's interests and perspective, with the intent to understand and extend God's love and mercy. Trust God in this process. He's got this.

Friend, my love goes out to you, and my prayer is for your encouragement and growth in such a difficult matter. Much of what you are going through has been part of what I am deeply wrestling with as well. I know God will get each of us through this, sometimes the progress feels slow but he is working great things for us in secret, and he is not done with us yet. He has a great desire for us to be at peace within ourselves and at peace with those around us. 

“These things I have spoken to you while I am still with you. But the Helper, the Holy Spirit, whom the Father will send in my name, he will teach you all things and bring to your remembrance all that I have said to you. Peace I leave with you; my peace I give to you. Not as the world gives do I give to you. Let not your hearts be troubled, neither let them be afraid." John 14:25-27

Peace in the Midst of Turmoil

What is peace really? It's not a thing so much as it is a lack of a things. It is the elimination of the emotional stress reaction to inner or outer conflict. Many days, peace of mind seems harder to achieve than world peace. Peace is not indifference, nor is it ignorance. Peace is feeling in control, feeling calm, and not allowing anxious impulses drive your life.

When you are experiencing conflict, it's easy to get caught up in the strong emotions that stress triggers for you. It is completely natural for those thoughts and feelings to arise when you feel unsafe physically or emotionally, but it is what you do with those natural instincts that determine whether you allow the situation to disrupt your peace. This is NOT a simple matter, because we are wired for "fight or flight" response against physical threats, which is not always helpful for the many emotional, situational, and/or interpersonal driven stressors we face today.

First, recognize that you are having a stress response. This moves you from feeling out of control to being aware. In the moment, try to become aware of your breath, breath in through your nose, notice your belly rise and fall with the movement of your breath, and intentionally slow down your outbreath. Counting your breath may help you slow it down. 

Second, resist the urge to respond immediately, as you instead focus on your breath. Unless you are in physical danger, the fight/adrenaline response can result in you saying or doing things that you don't intend, perhaps even behaviors that put yourself or others at physical or emotional risk. Not responding is a valid choice when you feel under an external threat, or keeping your responses short and factual to avoid escalating the conflict. This is INCREDIBLY difficult in the moment but worth it. 

Third, if you need to recollect yourself, it is okay to put some physical or mental distance between yourself and the stressor. If the stress comes from another person, your intent to step out should be communicated as politely and neutrally as possible; you are not doing this to ignore the stressor or invalidate another person's experience/feelings, but to cool down your emotional response so that you can come back and deal with the situation with a more focused mind.

Fourth, determine what things about the situation are within your power and what things are outside your control. For things outside your control, accept that the resolution of those items will have to wait and go through the due process required to resolve them (if they are resolvable). For things within your control, try to take a practical problem solving approach. This may require coming back to it at a later time, or sleeping on it, and make sure there is calm and clear communication and understanding of a desire to resolve the conflict but that it may not necessarily be easy or fast to resolve, while acknowledging that the stress or conflict does exist, but that fear or worry about it does not need to drive you to blind or hasty decisions or to be too quick to speak and escalate the problem further.

While some matters can be dealt with in a completely practical problem solving way, other conflicts and stresses require a more layered approach as the human mind and human relationships are as complex and unique as the humans involved. We must hold onto hope that we can heal and learn from most conflicts and stressful situations over time. 

For those of us of faith, we believe that God is in control and provides us that hope that peace awaits us if we just keep moving forward relying on him, living a life of peace as much as depends on us and not allowing ourselves to be government by fear, anger, resentment, vengeance, despondence, hopelessness, worry and/or anxiety. Regardless of your faith, no one is beyond reach, no one is such "damaged goods" that they are without hope of healing and peace. When you know you're struggling with stress and conflict, don't be afraid to seek help and peace of mind even if it means you might have to filter through some unhelpful stuff - you are intelligent and may discern what and who around you is helpful for you and work on using that to rebuild your confidence and peace in your life.

Remember, you are a person of value and dignity. Your environment does not define who you are; you and you only define what your environment and the situations you find yourself in mean to you. While I am not advocating being a doormat, I urge you to focus on the positives as much as you can, deal with what you do have control over, try not to let what is beyond your control consume you, turn your energy towards more productive pursuits, and finally look beyond yourself. There are people around you that you can be there for in a meaningful way, even if they may not be not brave enough to ask you. In getting outside of yourself and focusing on how you can be a part of other peoples' lives even in the small ways such as a kind action or smile, you may find yourself lifted and happier with your life.

Be grateful, be well, and may you reach the inner peace you so long for!

Personal Choices in the Pandemic Context

What is bodily autonomy? A loose definition might be the right to make your own choices. More specifically, it may refer to the right to make choices pertaining to your body and your health. However, having the ability to make choices is a different concept than making the right choices, and does not exempt you from bearing the consequences of those choices, and those around you from experiencing the fall out effects of those choices. How do we make prudent decisions in the context of a pandemic while being considerate of others around us? Should we self-regulate or is it the state's job to regulate the minutia of our day to day lives?

In the context of the Coronavirus pandemic, there is a prevalent and damaging belief floating around that any healthy person puts others at risk just by carrying about their day to day activities as normal without taking extra precautions and thereby is attributed with ill intent against others simply because there is a small chance they could unknowingly spread disease to others. While there is some truth in that all day to day activities present some level of risk, and that certain strains of coronovirus carry an above average level of risk, how we handle various risk levels is up for debate, and in my far-from-omniscient personal opinion, ought to be left to personal conscience. 

Each person is personally responsible for weighing their own risk of any activity (and by extension, adults are responsible for those under their direct care such as children). By climbing or hiking near a cliff, you risk falling to your death. During an ongoing pandemic, one might make the decisions to protect themselves by choosing to wash hands regularly, stay home and rest when ill, and decide what social activities they are comfortable engaging in, and so on. Each person carries unique levels of risk for various activities. For some people, walking is a risk if they have poor balance. Others have strong bodies and don't need a walker. Each weighs their own level of risk, and decides what precautions to take appropriate to the probability of harm to reduce their personal (or collective) risk. Choosing a higher level of personal risk does not in any way mean that you wish or intend the worst possible case outcome of harm to another person, it means that the overall benefits of taking on a higher level of risk still well outweigh the level of risk.

Protecting others can certainly be considered the right ethical thing to do. It boils down to making a choice to not only weigh your own risk, but to also consider the impacts of your decision on others, out of consideration, deference and respect. If you see others in the way of danger and know that there is a way to prevent that risk, you can try to educate them about the risk so they can make their own educated decisions about the risk. Of course you should not intentionally tell them to stand close to the edge of the cliff which you know would increase their risk, or withhold information that might help them better understand the risk - those are clear examples of ill intent or carelessness. Similarly, it is a fairly clear cut ethical decision not to intentionally increase others’ risk if you observe yourself or a child with symptoms of illness by continuing to engage in normal social activities putting the ill person in close proximity to others and thus increasing others’ risk. 

On your own part, if you are convicted that you can do something to protect others, for instance, knowing there is a cliff face on your land and installing a guard rail to keep folks from encroaching on it, by all means do so - you're not only decreasing others' risk, but also decreasing your own liability at the same time. If you choose to wear a mask (perhaps because you have a high level of uncertainty as to whether people around you may be contagious or of compromised health and prefer to err on the side of caution), do so because you feel it's the right thing to do (not just because you're forced to). However, recognize that taking extra precautions based on a low-probability risk is a judgement call; this type of decision is the source of much unnecessarily polarizing controversy these days. 

While we want to do the right thing and encourage others to do so, we must not allow our preferences and opinions to drive us to forget how to treat other people. Are you really serving the greater good to exercise one act of consideration if in order to do so you resort to flaunting your own choices in another's face, ridiculing others for their choice, being unkind or rude, insulting, being haughty about your difference in opinion (there is the saying, pride comes before a fall), or even resorting to ferocious verbal, physical, or emotional abusive attacks that harm one another? For every good reason you have for your decision, the other party could be in a completely different circumstance - and it's not your business to be intimate with the details of their circumstances. What it boils down to, is that you can only control certain factors that are within your circle of control. While you may strongly believe others have influence over your level of safety, the simple truth is that each individual (and for the vulnerable, their caretakers) has the highest level of control over their own personal safety through the actions and decisions they personally take. One will only get exhausted (and drown in anxiety) trying to control the actions and decisions of others, who all have competing priorities. All told, what precautions or actions another person decides to take after being aware of all factors including the risks is still their choice to make. 

What is the answer then, do we have to force our will on others to make them comply with our version of the solution to this crisis? Is military/government force necessary? Our culture promotes as values self-aggrandizement and pride. These sadly often take precedence over values such as self-regulation, humility, compassion and putting others first. Self regulation means identifying risks, weighing them against the benefits of a course of action, and considering the situation holistically before choosing a course of action. Moral values determine whether you take into account only your self and your own desires, or instead consider others and how your course of action impacts them. The urge to impose strict external regulations to make others behave in a certain way is driven by the realism that people are selfish and that people have a hard time trusting other people to self regulate and choose to do the thing that is most beneficial for everyone.

When it comes down to it, trying to regulate others by force removes their individual right to make those choices for themselves. While proving how little we trust other people to self regulate, regulating others by force removes the opportunity from them to learn how to self-regulate. People who do not know how to self regulate due to not being trained in self regulation could actually end up worse off when they expect others have done all the work and removed all risk, they are less able to identify risk, and on the flip side are more likely to disproportionately see all new/ unknown/ different things as an immediate risk to their comfort and security even if the risk is relatively low. Compliance by coercion may be done with good intentions, but cannot account for the infinite number of factors and situations that influence each person’s individual circumstances in which those individual decisions would have normally been made, and thus will most likely result in unintended secondary impacts, the “butterfly effect” ripples and consequences.

While one cannot deny that the effects of some strains of coronavirus are quite severe and uncomfortable, many of the excess deaths (and consequences) of the Coronavirus outbreak and its fallout were not only the direct ill effects of coronavirus itself. The reactionary restrictions created far reaching secondary impacts. It is not news that for elderly and compromised individuals, the most minor of things for the rest of the society - a broken bone, a cut in the skin, the flu, a cold… anything could be the straw that breaks the camel’s back. Lack of care is just as deadly a killer, maybe more, as the disease itself. Isolation from loved ones, grief and loneliness, healthcare workers abandoning or  reducing the level of care of their charges due to limited staff and fears, often results of decisions made under the guise that they are “protecting” themselves or others. 

State-mandated stay at home orders, however well intentioned, created other risk factors when people could no longer support their family, when living in fear and isolation degraded people’s mental health to dangerous levels. The reaction to the pandemic greatly crippled access to much needed spiritual, mental, and emotional nurturing resulting in reduced quality of life, put many churches out of a home, and discouraged people from being in each others life face to face to support and help each other and take care of each others' needs. Other side effects included creating baseless tensions and divisions between people, legalized baseless discrimination and justified and encouraged a self centered existence. Further, it has resulted in even more restricted access to healthcare - both preventative and reactive care, and widened the gap between the wealthy and the poor. 

As much as it may have been begged for by a scared population, state driven restrictions have done much harm. Trying to control and restrict others' behavior to the nth degree has only harmed and prolonged harm to those it has tried to help. It is worth saying that the benefits of the freedom to choose are closely linked to the obligation not to force your will on others and in doing so overrule their freedom to choose. Every person deserves the chance at the pursuit of life and happiness in a way that is at peace within and with one another. As we live our lives in the context of known risks and struggle to make the best decision within our personal context and convictions, let's not forget to treat others with the respect and honor with which we ourselves would like to be treated, to view others as valuable and precious, to see and care for the needy and hurting all around us, and to not let our own pride become so big that it tramples those in its path.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Disclaimer: none of us want your grandma to die. We're losing our loved ones too, death is sad, and in most cases, it's not anyone's fault. 

Summer 2021 Update

I've been rather quiet lately. Life has been rather full, and I'm getting used to the new normal. We moved back to Central NY in the end of January 2021, and the kids have been very involved in school, sports, and making new friends. It's nice to see them adapting and thriving in the middle of change. The new place has extra room for working remotely, and the girls share a room. Derek (13) and Elinor (10) are attending the public school, as the local school has an excellent instrumental music program. Fiona (now 7) transferred into a small Christian academy where she is doing really well. Academically, they all seemed to do pretty well for starting in a new school (for a second time, since they switched to 100% remote public school last fall back in Farmington). All are expecting to be fully back in person this fall.

Derek and Elinor took an extended visit to CA to visit my sister and bond with their little 2 year old cousin, while Fiona enjoyed having a leisurely time at home in the peace and quiet. Fiona is an avid reader and disappears into the world of reading for hours at a time. Fiona also recently lost her two front teeth (they were wiggly FOREVER). Elinor enjoys biking around with friends. Derek just started up marching band, he's playing drums. During the summer, when they are in town, Derek and Elinor are both participating in a service-oriented program in our town with other neighborhood kids called "Bridge House" during the day. They do a lot of fun activities in addition to helping out and sometimes get tips for serving visitors. My favorite part about it is having a quiet house while they're out, since I work from home. We've done some camping over the summer, and I've had a few opportunities to visit my family in MD. We finally had the memorial service for my aunt/second mom Nancy who passed away last fall. We had a baby shower for my sister. I even convinced Mike to try out rock climbing while we had a week without kids and he took to it more than we expected he would. Mike and I have also been meeting people in town and at the church we've been attending; Mike loves setting up game nights.

We are looking forward to see what the future will bring!

Media Content and the Moral Compass

 People who are offended by history will not eliminate current problems by punishing the past. If anything, that leads to creating our own morality without the moral compass that learning from the mistakes of the past provides. 

Most of us remember learning about the sobering lessons of WW1 and WW2. We learned from those who documented the past transgressions of demonization, imprisonment, torture and genocide based on class. This teaches us that persecution and discrimination are travesties that must be prevented in the future. Alongside that we learned lessons about forgiveness and maturity, that humanity has a hope of healing from this great wound caused by the consequences of what happened then, that what an individual or nation did in the past does not define who they are today - that they have a choice to choose the right moral decisions and be a better person.

In modern day, content is produced for the sake of whatever might gain traction. Whatever sells. Shock content. Depravity. Sexual content. Horror. Killing. Theft. Idolatry. Covetousness. Disparagement. Lying/falsehood. Every depth of sin is produced in the name of humor or entertainment (pleasure). I am certain that our present day morality is no more blameless than the pervasiveness of blind immorality that was permitted in media and practice decades ago. 

There were times in our relatively recent history where it was pervasive to practice class stereotype based persecution. Times where the loudest voices of the day were creating enemies for the public to fear based on some externally or socially identifiable difference. The easiest identifiers were hair or skin color and facial features. None of which has any reflection on a person’s character, personality, or behavior. Yet many many countries were guilty of this; even the “good guys”. This kind of ideology allowed leaders to gain power and persuasion over their people. It led to senseless capturing and horrific abuse of countless numbers of people who were innocent of nothing but association with a particular classification. All in the name of creating safety and lack of discomfort for a country’s citizens, a concept of ethnocentricity. This shallow promise of safety was pursued at the cost of its citizens itself, sacrificing themselves under the pretense that their sacrifices are for a “greater good”. Sound familiar? 

In hearing about the recent public awareness of some of the early satirical content of the talented author Dr. Seuss, I have to wonder too whether some of the content that we look back on and condemn today was not produced simply for humor but to raise awareness to the issue at hand. We do this today in countless memes and other content aimed to bring light to a particular issue of the day.

If one were to produce content that shocks their reader - how many of the readers would walk away saying “this is normative behavior”? Only the ones who would have believed so anyway. We (and any morally driven person) should not be nodding our heads and calling what is bad good; we should be critically evaluating the content we see through the lens of our moral compass.

Shock content should make us uncomfortable so that we are forced to make a moral decision (either to celebrate and accept depravity, or identify it for what it is and choose to personally condemn it in our own lives). Eliminating the indicator (the symptom) may serve to bury the problem deeper. At the same time we must be cautious in creating content, as many illustrators and artists, many media influencers - in trying to make a point against some immoral behavior - have succeeded in simultaneously proliferating and allowing depraved content to enter into our minds. It is a two edged sword. 

For example, pro lifers propagating images of abortion and documenting what it is and its consequences... this content shocks primarily those who are already shocked by it. For others, it is educational - to bring awareness to all sides of a very personal ethical decision. For those who strongly lean pro choice, they can easily refute it saying “its not that bad”... doctors deal with gruesome sights and ethical dilemmas all the time. Modern abortion is a clinical procedure much like removing any other offending “tissue” that causes us discomfort and is seen as a threat to our current state of comfort or health. So a doctor practicing abortion is only responding to a demand for a service - and doctors on both sides whether refusing to perform or agreeing to perform that particular procedure may both be “doing no harm” in the way they perform or refuse to perform that service. 

It is an ethical decision for the patient to choose to demand that service. Pro life proponents may favor publicizing certain impacts of “killing a preborn human” while pro choice proponents may favor publicizing perceived benefits of “terminating an unwanted pregnancy.” The result of creating (sometimes disturbing) content showing all sides is that if it reaches the right audience in the right way it will prevent the ethical decision from being made blindly and in a vacuum.

Has our present day society actually become morally superior to our former selves? The pursuit of pleasures and trying to avoid even the tiniest possibility of discomfort has left us vulnerable, weak and unguarded, dependent and fearful of the very cornerstones of society that historically have made us strong. Today we have evolved into a culture where it is frowned upon if you do not celebrate alongside those who are practicing and celebrating every depraved desire their hearts can think of. I like to hope that we are improved and have learned hard lessons from history, but we cannot assume ourselves blameless. We must not assume the morality problem lies only with the past. We must be constantly mindful of our present behavior and attitudes or we will fall into a predicament as bad as or worse than our predecessors.

What will we choose to fill our minds with? 

What will we turn a blind eye to? 

How will we make our own ethical decisions? Will we seek to truly understand all sides and make an informed ethical choice? Will we go along with public opinion or public fears to avoid being ostracized? Will we choose to live a life thats primary goal is to be the most comfortable and avoid even the least discomfort while sacrificing our rights, our security, our ability to think critically, and our very moral compass?

Welcome to 2020

I have not written in over a year. It has been quite the year, and like so many I am glad that one is put away for good.
I cannot voice the trials I am going through (and I really want to put them behind me) but what I do know is that God is with me, that hope is not lost, that He has a bigger plan for me. I am impatient to understand what he is doing and what direction I am supposed to be going, and he repeatedly has told me “Wait, I am not done with you yet.” Meanwhile I need to see the ways He is blessing and taking care of my life, not lose sight of the good and right when the dark times seem to blind my vision.
In 2019 I started a new job, I flew out to California to meet my sister’s new baby, the kids took swimming lessons, Fiona started kindergarten, my stepdaughter moved out on her own, we acquired Dexter, a Kankakee bull snake. I am taking a hiatus from my musical involvements and focusing on spending more time with the kids and establishing myself in the new job (which has been an adventure for sure), and we are throwing our spare time into home improvement. I am lastly thankful for my husband’s hard work, endurance, support and strength as he has been keeping the household running while working hard at school and has only one semester left to get his bachelors degree.

being true

I believe there is truth.
There is truth that is true for me.
Truth about who I am and who I will be.

Your truth is too, a truth for you
It's a truth that for you also is true.

Can we who are true
to ourselves still be true
to each other and still be free?

Does your truth truly bind me
to only become the version of me
that is what you want me to be?

That cannot be, yet not can I prove
that my truth will better me still

And some of your truth
may bring out much more
Than my truth alone ever will