Why "Winning" an Argument Can Actually Hurt You

It happened again this morning. I did some math to figure out how much extra oil we had purchased beyond what was in the tank when we moved into our rental. My husband also did some math. We came up with two different answers. Both sure that our math was right, we were at a standstill.

This morning the practice of listening was put to the test. Even with the blessing of ears that can hear audible sounds, I was only willing to acknowledge my own voice.

Turned out our math was right after all. My calculation was based on the difference between the two readings (a delta) and the amount that was added to the tank (another delta). His was based on the total tank capacity. Our answers were in the same range, but we came at it from two very different approaches. 

Listening is more than the brain processing sounds into words. The labor of listening requires work until both parties "get it" - make the connection to the concept or intent the other person is trying to communicate. 

Listening requires an active engagement. What is gained from talking AT another person as the other person either passively accepts or actively ignores?

Listening demands a thoughtful response, and then a response to that response, back and forth as needed.  It means both sides question themselves, willing to identify exactly where the communication connection between them is broken.

Listening is accepting that your own concept or way of expressing the concept may be from a completely different perspective, a different context, or with different assumptions from the other person's. It's being willing to break down what you thought you knew and rebuild it stronger.

You can see why it's not easy. The breaking down process can hurt. It sometimes feels like you're being offended and devalued. It can feel like moving backwards on something you have already put a lot of energy into.

The risk of pain must be taken alongside the desired reward. When both voices are equally valued and considered, lasting personal growth and enlightenment is evidenced in both the speaker and the hearer.

"But the wisdom from above is first pure, then peaceable, gentle, open to reason, full of mercy and good fruits, impartial and sincere. And a harvest of righteousness is sown in peace by those who make peace.
James 3:17-18

This post is cross-posted to my LinkedIn blog as well.

The Striving is Real

It seems I need to write the most when I am facing times of testing, trials, stress, ordeals. Now is one of those times. Only today it's not something that's just come up. Today I am writing to unload something that has been heavy on my heart lately.

In my relationships I have been falling short. In my work relationships, I have fallen short. In my closest human relationship, I have fallen short. In my most important relationship with my Creator, I have been falling short. Let me tell you my story.

Life in this age is saturated with information. All this information is bombarding me from all sides, putting me on the offensive all the time. From birth I have struggled to process and filter all this information, and ultimately to preserve my life, my stability, my sanity. Not only am I bombarded with information, but flooded with the obligations and expectations that come with it. I was raised to try to gain as much knowledge as possible. I was raised to desire to meet the expectations placed on me by my parents, other people around me, by myself, by my God. From the time my eyes open in the morning to the time I lay in bed at night, there is a battle going on behind these blue eyes, a striving to stay on top of it all. It is not an easy path, nor is it a simple path. It is strenuous, sometimes tedious, and often painful.

My ultimate goals? Growth and maturity as an individual, growth in my relationship with God, growth in relationships with other people, a growing wonder of the glory of God as displayed through his creation and his creatures. Effectively meet needs around me to the best of my ability through love, service and stewardship. These are my heart's deep longings.

My friends, here is my heart. Take it or leave it. I don't charge a fee for my heart but you must know that it isn't free. The price is that my heart is broken. It is broken by original sin, and continually broken by the continual effects of sin in this life: conflicts, pain, failure, having to strive and struggle, exerting the sweat of my brow (both physically and mentally), laboring on work that is not easy. No one on this earth can fix this broken heart of mine.

Because my heart is broken, I have fallen short in my relationships. This is where I get personal and specific. I have been given the blessing of hearing audible sounds that I hear through healthy ears and process with a healthy brain

yet I have not exercised the heart labor of listening. 

Even while I have sat with you, I have looked into your eyes, I have hugged you, walked with you and cared for you, when you have spoken to me, I have too many times put myself before you.

In my brokenness, I have defected into offensive mode, caring only to protect myself, say the right thing, be seen as good in your eyes.  Too many times I have been blind and deaf to anything that does not directly impact myself. The attentions and energy that should have been turned toward discerning what you are trying to share with me have been exerted to elevate myself before others, be seen as smart, engaging and witty.

I have sought to protect the structure, the order, the way of seeing things that over the years I have become accustomed to. I have built up this palace, this fortress, this wall, protecting my most vulnerable broken heart, and I have been afraid of allowing your words to break into this fortification. I have been afraid of the pain that would come with allowing these words to get through to my heart. I have feared what might happen if everything I have built my life were to be directly impacted by really, truly, humbly, intentionally, listening to not only your words, but to your heart.

Because actually, your heart is broken too. How could I be able to perceive your brokenness and truly serve you exactly in the way you need if I have put up a barrier to this perception? How can I accept the interdependence that both our broken hearts so desperately need? How can others work in my life, even painfully, to rebuild my brokenness, train me to learn and work with me on the path to maturity? How can I labor alongside you in unity to achieve a common goal? How could I truly bless you, share God's love and reflect Jesus if my own selfish goals and objectives are crowding my vision? I am humbly ashamed and greatly distressed at this falling short which has been stunting my growth and getting in the way of being able to effectively serve and relate to others.

The secret is not in the striving. Don't get me wrong, it will take a lot of work. As a human, I have a limited reserve of mental, physical and emotional energies. I will be working on this for the rest of my life. This is a heart issue due to the brokenness that has been in this world from nearly the beginning of time. I know that in this life, I do not have it in myself to once and for all overcome selfish ambition, vain pride, willful resistance, rebellion. But I know who does,

There is only one solution.  I am in dire need of Him who called us to holiness. I need his once for all payment for this specific area of falling short of the glory of God. Because I am broken and limited, I can only depend on His limitless strength to work in my life to do what I cannot do on my own. For he is willing and able to provide me with whatever it takes to grow in maturity. Today, I ask Him to give me the gift of listening, perceiving, discernment.

As a broken person, I ask for your support, accountability, grace and forgiveness as I go through this struggle that may be with me for the rest of my life. Will you join me in this journey?

"Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds, for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness. And let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing."
http://www.esvbible.org/James+1/

Why Do We Associate?

Close your eyes for a moment. Now try to imagine your life without interacting with any other human being. Every time a face comes to mind, put up a dark curtain in your mind until you are completely alone. 

This is not the way life is meant to be. We are not created to be alone. Our inner need for connection to other living beings is as real as our hunger for food.

Why do we associate? We deeply crave affirmation and encouragement. So we form the idea of an association based on common interests and invite like minded people to gather and mingle with us. The concept of membership gives people a feeling of belonging. Membership also serves a practical purpose of instilling personal responsibility for the group's organizational logistics and long term continuation.

Do we gather just for the sake of gathering? Is that enough?

People join an association for many reasons. They stay because their contribution is needed and appreciated. They stay because they are reaping lasting benefits from their involvement. They stay because they believe in what the group stands for. Over all, they stay because they feel like they belong.

So get out there and find your tribe!

The Entropy of Things

My brother told me once not to get into his line of work because power plants are not always pretty. It's dirty work because the natural state of things is for everything to fall into disrepair and disharmony, a state of utter chaos. It is expensive and difficult to remediate environmental violations and code compliance is enforced by penalties.

The modern lifestyle is full of luxuries that we take for granted. We become addicted and dependent, blurring the line between wants and needs. We insist on bigger and better entertainment. Mobile data, internet, cloud - all nebulous concepts that somewhere have an unavoidable hidden entropy consequence.

We are afflicted with attitudes of laziness, callousness and entitlement. To maintain our lifestyle, too often we turn a blind eye. We put a band-aid on symptoms instead of removing the underlying causes. We go around complaining and pointing fingers instead of humbling ourselves by making personal sacrifices to address the problem through the labor of their own hands.

The cradle to grave approach unveils the hidden impacts of our choices - the costs on the back end: draining natural resources, rampant energy consumption, pollution. Our time and money is constantly being consumed on things that do not contribute significantly to our health and betterment. Our choices can be detrimental to all of creation - the world it is our duty as stewards to preserve.

The only way to decrease disorder and have a meaningful investment with a positive impact is to input work into the equation. Relationships take work, caring for your body takes work, meeting your physical needs and those of your family takes work, being effective stewards and preserving the earth and its resources takes work.

Are you willing to take ownership for the cradle-to-grave impact of your actions and choose the path of responsibility, even if it's not the easy path?

Writing a blog

Hi folks, I am writing a blog. You may not know this about me, but I am a WRITER. Yes, I work as an energy engineer but I write to process information, to digest it, to turn things over and over to figure them out. I write when I am trying to make sense of something, to try to find better ways of relating to people and sometimes, just for FUN.  So, if you want to get to know me, I hope you can do so through my writing. Long ago I found that just writing about facts can be DULL and FLAT. I can do DULL and FLAT if it pays the bills but when I have an opportunity to express myself creatively, my life is just that much more full, bright, lively, and meaningful.


When God wrote the WORD, his Bible, he was injecting himself into every word, every paragraph. Every part of it was written for his own pleasure. We writers experience the same joy - we inject bits of ourselves, weaving our personality and our heart into our words. And we hope that if even one other person's life was impacted by the words we expressed, then it might be worth allowing everyone a little peek into our inner selves.


My friends, your life is worth sharing with others. We are all very different and yet we can all relate to and benefit from others' stories. Let's continue to thrive in this amazing community we call home.