What's "Missions" All About?

My mission field looks no different than my life. In fact, you might say I have no mission field but to let my life shine wherever I am.

Do you see missions as a project? Do ever think "if only that person thought/felt/did the same as me"? Then let me challenge you to step back and re-evaluate yourself. This type of thinking is not other-focused; it's self-focused. Whether you're exalting your own "righteousness" or pointing out the "less righteous" actions of another, this type of conduct has a tendency to tear down relationships, sometimes subtly, which is counteractive to the goal of impacting the other's life.

What does your conduct have to say about you? Ultimately, your conduct should be honoring to a holy God. In the context of a human relationship, it is important to respect the other person's expectations. When trust is built, intimate concerns may be revealed. Ask permission before sharing any personal information even under the pretense of asking for prayer support. Gossip has a way of spreading even with the purest of intentions. Ask yourself - am I acting in the best long term interests of the relationship?

Being intentional means thinking before acting. It's learning to see beyond the surface. It's looking for the deepest longings and needs of each person, both physical and otherwise. Then it's looking for ways to invest ourselves in the person's life in positive, considerate ways.

Let your relationships be driven by a mutual respect, valuing what each side brings to the relationship. When another person sees something good and pure in the way you conduct your life and your relationships, they will naturally be drawn to you, what you stand for and who you associate with. They will want to be more like you, and embrace more of the good and true in your life.

So go on, let your light shine! 

"Matthew 5:16 In the same way, let your light shine before others, so that they may see your good works and give glory to your Father who is in heaven."

Why "Winning" an Argument Can Actually Hurt You

It happened again this morning. I did some math to figure out how much extra oil we had purchased beyond what was in the tank when we moved into our rental. My husband also did some math. We came up with two different answers. Both sure that our math was right, we were at a standstill.

This morning the practice of listening was put to the test. Even with the blessing of ears that can hear audible sounds, I was only willing to acknowledge my own voice.

Turned out our math was right after all. My calculation was based on the difference between the two readings (a delta) and the amount that was added to the tank (another delta). His was based on the total tank capacity. Our answers were in the same range, but we came at it from two very different approaches. 

Listening is more than the brain processing sounds into words. The labor of listening requires work until both parties "get it" - make the connection to the concept or intent the other person is trying to communicate. 

Listening requires an active engagement. What is gained from talking AT another person as the other person either passively accepts or actively ignores?

Listening demands a thoughtful response, and then a response to that response, back and forth as needed.  It means both sides question themselves, willing to identify exactly where the communication connection between them is broken.

Listening is accepting that your own concept or way of expressing the concept may be from a completely different perspective, a different context, or with different assumptions from the other person's. It's being willing to break down what you thought you knew and rebuild it stronger.

You can see why it's not easy. The breaking down process can hurt. It sometimes feels like you're being offended and devalued. It can feel like moving backwards on something you have already put a lot of energy into.

The risk of pain must be taken alongside the desired reward. When both voices are equally valued and considered, lasting personal growth and enlightenment is evidenced in both the speaker and the hearer.

"But the wisdom from above is first pure, then peaceable, gentle, open to reason, full of mercy and good fruits, impartial and sincere. And a harvest of righteousness is sown in peace by those who make peace.
James 3:17-18

This post is cross-posted to my LinkedIn blog as well.

The Striving is Real

It seems I need to write the most when I am facing times of testing, trials, stress, ordeals. Now is one of those times. Only today it's not something that's just come up. Today I am writing to unload something that has been heavy on my heart lately.

In my relationships I have been falling short. In my work relationships, I have fallen short. In my closest human relationship, I have fallen short. In my most important relationship with my Creator, I have been falling short. Let me tell you my story.

Life in this age is saturated with information. All this information is bombarding me from all sides, putting me on the offensive all the time. From birth I have struggled to process and filter all this information, and ultimately to preserve my life, my stability, my sanity. Not only am I bombarded with information, but flooded with the obligations and expectations that come with it. I was raised to try to gain as much knowledge as possible. I was raised to desire to meet the expectations placed on me by my parents, other people around me, by myself, by my God. From the time my eyes open in the morning to the time I lay in bed at night, there is a battle going on behind these blue eyes, a striving to stay on top of it all. It is not an easy path, nor is it a simple path. It is strenuous, sometimes tedious, and often painful.

My ultimate goals? Growth and maturity as an individual, growth in my relationship with God, growth in relationships with other people, a growing wonder of the glory of God as displayed through his creation and his creatures. Effectively meet needs around me to the best of my ability through love, service and stewardship. These are my heart's deep longings.

My friends, here is my heart. Take it or leave it. I don't charge a fee for my heart but you must know that it isn't free. The price is that my heart is broken. It is broken by original sin, and continually broken by the continual effects of sin in this life: conflicts, pain, failure, having to strive and struggle, exerting the sweat of my brow (both physically and mentally), laboring on work that is not easy. No one on this earth can fix this broken heart of mine.

Because my heart is broken, I have fallen short in my relationships. This is where I get personal and specific. I have been given the blessing of hearing audible sounds that I hear through healthy ears and process with a healthy brain

yet I have not exercised the heart labor of listening. 

Even while I have sat with you, I have looked into your eyes, I have hugged you, walked with you and cared for you, when you have spoken to me, I have too many times put myself before you.

In my brokenness, I have defected into offensive mode, caring only to protect myself, say the right thing, be seen as good in your eyes.  Too many times I have been blind and deaf to anything that does not directly impact myself. The attentions and energy that should have been turned toward discerning what you are trying to share with me have been exerted to elevate myself before others, be seen as smart, engaging and witty.

I have sought to protect the structure, the order, the way of seeing things that over the years I have become accustomed to. I have built up this palace, this fortress, this wall, protecting my most vulnerable broken heart, and I have been afraid of allowing your words to break into this fortification. I have been afraid of the pain that would come with allowing these words to get through to my heart. I have feared what might happen if everything I have built my life were to be directly impacted by really, truly, humbly, intentionally, listening to not only your words, but to your heart.

Because actually, your heart is broken too. How could I be able to perceive your brokenness and truly serve you exactly in the way you need if I have put up a barrier to this perception? How can I accept the interdependence that both our broken hearts so desperately need? How can others work in my life, even painfully, to rebuild my brokenness, train me to learn and work with me on the path to maturity? How can I labor alongside you in unity to achieve a common goal? How could I truly bless you, share God's love and reflect Jesus if my own selfish goals and objectives are crowding my vision? I am humbly ashamed and greatly distressed at this falling short which has been stunting my growth and getting in the way of being able to effectively serve and relate to others.

The secret is not in the striving. Don't get me wrong, it will take a lot of work. As a human, I have a limited reserve of mental, physical and emotional energies. I will be working on this for the rest of my life. This is a heart issue due to the brokenness that has been in this world from nearly the beginning of time. I know that in this life, I do not have it in myself to once and for all overcome selfish ambition, vain pride, willful resistance, rebellion. But I know who does,

There is only one solution.  I am in dire need of Him who called us to holiness. I need his once for all payment for this specific area of falling short of the glory of God. Because I am broken and limited, I can only depend on His limitless strength to work in my life to do what I cannot do on my own. For he is willing and able to provide me with whatever it takes to grow in maturity. Today, I ask Him to give me the gift of listening, perceiving, discernment.

As a broken person, I ask for your support, accountability, grace and forgiveness as I go through this struggle that may be with me for the rest of my life. Will you join me in this journey?

"Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds, for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness. And let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing."
http://www.esvbible.org/James+1/

Why Do We Associate?

Close your eyes for a moment. Now try to imagine your life without interacting with any other human being. Every time a face comes to mind, put up a dark curtain in your mind until you are completely alone. 

This is not the way life is meant to be. We are not created to be alone. Our inner need for connection to other living beings is as real as our hunger for food.

Why do we associate? We deeply crave affirmation and encouragement. So we form the idea of an association based on common interests and invite like minded people to gather and mingle with us. The concept of membership gives people a feeling of belonging. Membership also serves a practical purpose of instilling personal responsibility for the group's organizational logistics and long term continuation.

Do we gather just for the sake of gathering? Is that enough?

People join an association for many reasons. They stay because their contribution is needed and appreciated. They stay because they are reaping lasting benefits from their involvement. They stay because they believe in what the group stands for. Over all, they stay because they feel like they belong.

So get out there and find your tribe!

The Entropy of Things

My brother told me once not to get into his line of work because power plants are not always pretty. It's dirty work because the natural state of things is for everything to fall into disrepair and disharmony, a state of utter chaos. It is expensive and difficult to remediate environmental violations and code compliance is enforced by penalties.

The modern lifestyle is full of luxuries that we take for granted. We become addicted and dependent, blurring the line between wants and needs. We insist on bigger and better entertainment. Mobile data, internet, cloud - all nebulous concepts that somewhere have an unavoidable hidden entropy consequence.

We are afflicted with attitudes of laziness, callousness and entitlement. To maintain our lifestyle, too often we turn a blind eye. We put a band-aid on symptoms instead of removing the underlying causes. We go around complaining and pointing fingers instead of humbling ourselves by making personal sacrifices to address the problem through the labor of their own hands.

The cradle to grave approach unveils the hidden impacts of our choices - the costs on the back end: draining natural resources, rampant energy consumption, pollution. Our time and money is constantly being consumed on things that do not contribute significantly to our health and betterment. Our choices can be detrimental to all of creation - the world it is our duty as stewards to preserve.

The only way to decrease disorder and have a meaningful investment with a positive impact is to input work into the equation. Relationships take work, caring for your body takes work, meeting your physical needs and those of your family takes work, being effective stewards and preserving the earth and its resources takes work.

Are you willing to take ownership for the cradle-to-grave impact of your actions and choose the path of responsibility, even if it's not the easy path?

Writing a blog

Hi folks, I am writing a blog. You may not know this about me, but I am a WRITER. Yes, I work as an energy engineer but I write to process information, to digest it, to turn things over and over to figure them out. I write when I am trying to make sense of something, to try to find better ways of relating to people and sometimes, just for FUN.  So, if you want to get to know me, I hope you can do so through my writing. Long ago I found that just writing about facts can be DULL and FLAT. I can do DULL and FLAT if it pays the bills but when I have an opportunity to express myself creatively, my life is just that much more full, bright, lively, and meaningful.


When God wrote the WORD, his Bible, he was injecting himself into every word, every paragraph. Every part of it was written for his own pleasure. We writers experience the same joy - we inject bits of ourselves, weaving our personality and our heart into our words. And we hope that if even one other person's life was impacted by the words we expressed, then it might be worth allowing everyone a little peek into our inner selves.


My friends, your life is worth sharing with others. We are all very different and yet we can all relate to and benefit from others' stories. Let's continue to thrive in this amazing community we call home.

I Can’t Believe It!

Even though we are fortunate to have somewhat flexible work schedules, I can almost imagine your thoughts as I walk in. "I can't believe she is coming in so late!" Yes, it's quarter to nine as I stride through the door today. By this point you've had a chance to get a coffee so you're finally awake, functioning and acting like a human. You've already taken advantage of the quiet of the early morning when no one is yet interrupting you to get some work done.

Would you believe...

• I've been up since about 6, when the baby thumped to her door unsteadily and came to my bedroom to snuggle and nurse.
• I've cleared and cleaned all the magnets, artwork, pictures, scribbles and splashes from the outside of the fridge in preparation for moving.
• I got bear hugs from three independent, stubborn, lively children.
• I've served up four bowls of hot oatmeal.
• I made up three bags of snacks/lunch for the kids - one was left behind.
• I turned around the oldest kid's whining attitude in time to motivate him to agree to do his work so he wouldn't miss out on the day ahead of him.
• I scrounged up pencils out of nothing, got backpacks together, rallied the troops and got two kids and a dad out the door.
• I then noticed the baby with poo leaking down her leg, cleaned the messy diaper and cleaned up the less than enthusiastic baby in the shower.
• Then I transferred the still fussy but clean littlest one to her stepsister to watch for the day.
• AND THEN I remembered in time that I should probably get some work appropriate clothes on and run my fingers through my hair.
• And that's not even all I did this morning before showing up with a smile.

Good morning to you, too!

We working moms (and dads) do it because it's our job and we love it. Please like and share if accomplishing even one of the above is a victory for you.

Sleepless

Dear Dr. Ruth,

It's been a long day. Actually, it's been a lot of long days. My muscles are so tense I can't sleep! When I do sleep, it's fitful and I wake up in the middle of the night with racing thoughts. What's going on with me?!
~Sleepless in Simsbury

Dear Sleepless,

Remember when you were a kid and your mom tucked you in at night? Maybe you brushed your teeth, got into some comfy pj's, she rubbed your back, and you read stories or sang songs until your eyes got heavy.

What are you doing these days in the hour or two before you want to be asleep? Is it stimulating or soothing? Between social media, mobile devices, and simply being so busy running around, it's easy to spend every waking hour doing something stimulating. This can put you into high alert and keep you keyed up even when you want to sleep. 

Try to cut back on stimulating activities near bedtime. What are some more soothing activities that take your mind completely off anything else? Give yourself the gift of unwinding before bed.

~Dr. Ruth

Disclaimer: I am not an actual doctor. Any connection to real or fictional characters is purely coincidental. Did you know there is a character called an interrobang that is basically the same as the following characters?!

It’s OK... to Disagree

When someone asks me to contribute or help or do or believe or think this or that, my initial gut reaction is to do it because I want to please them (Yes, I'm human). When it comes to something I have already made up my mind not to do, it causes me a very real stress/worry/anxiety to have to decline/disagree. I do not like to cause or be around conflict, who does?

The thought occurred to me recently to put myself in the other person's shoes. If you have ever been in sales, it's a salesperson's job to try to persuade others to do/buy something. It makes me feel better to think about how many times a salesperson might propose something and the other person was not convinced. (If you're getting one yes out of every ten, that's about average. That means there were 9 "No"s.) If I think about it that way, it's not a make or break conflict - disagreement happens all the time - in fact possibly even the majority of the time. I have to tell myself it's okay for the differences to exist - it's what makes humans beautiful.

What would you do next? What are some phrases you use when you know the only possible outcome is to agree to disagree? On the other hand, have you ever disagreed initially only to later come to a different way of looking at something?

Enjoy these youtube videos!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=m7YyHnG4a50

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NrPYflfLjno

Reduced Guilt Popcorn

Let's talk about expectations here. I set them high. I mean, Eiffel Tower high. For myself, that is. Now, my expectations for other people - well, let's just say I believe in grace. The kind of, "I will try to do anything you ask me to do, go out of my way to help you, and expect nothing in return" kind of grace. The "I don't want to inconvenience you" kind of grace. The "I believe the best of people, and am quick to forgive the occasion that seems to indicate otherwise" kind of grace.

I don't think anyone is trying to take advantage of me. More likely, they asked a number of people and I just happen to be the first to say "yes".

I can only focus on one thing at a time. I know when I am doing one thing, I am not doing another. I am in awe of people who say they are good at multitasking and work best under pressure. An image of the one man band comes to mind. How many one man bands do you know? Not many. I know a number of fabulous 20-60+ piece bands right in my community made up of many individual musicians, each focused on doing the best at their part they can. Ideally, the parts are doled out so no one part is beyond what that person can handle.

Do I have the courage to ask myself the hard questions of what I should realistically be expecting of myself? How I may prevent pressure or stress situations? How I may be intentional and selective to prioritize where I invest myself? Am I pretending I can do this all alone?

Sadly, I have to start replacing some yeses with "I will need time to consider it" or "not right now". I have been blessed with the ability to see needs around me all the time. In my heart I want to do everything for everyone to meet those needs. However, I am willing to admit I cannot and don't have to shoulder all these burdens by myself. I need to let go of the guilt I have been carrying from not being able to do everything I want to do and take joy in what little I can do.

I'm not a one man band; I am ready to learn what it means to live in symbiotic, complementary relationships with those I am honored to be surrounded by.

Trader Joe's sells "Reduced Guilt Popcorn": less salt and less fat than regular salted popcorn for a more wholesome snack. It's a good reminder that sometimes, less is more.

Seasons

Only a few weeks earlier I was doing all the things I wanted and needed to do. Working fulltime, nursing a baby, mothering three young children, teaching my stepdaughter how to drive, sharing the cooking, childcare and laundry duties. On top of that, I am active in church, I play trombone in a few groups, and I enjoy participating in industry association meetings. Not to mention my husband is a fulltime college student. All of the above I love to do. I'm not trying to prove anything, I have just had many opportunities to get involved in a wide variety of activities. And under normal circumstances, I am able to manage them all at once, and still get about 8 hours of sleep a night.

Then the tables turned. I caught a bug that was going around and got really sick and really weak. I got better, but not completely. When I tried to go back to work, I was weak and physically drained, leaving me without the strength to effectively deal with the more demanding aspects of my job while physically compromised.

As I write this, I have a renewed awe of people who have found balance in their life by simply saying "Not right now." I have a strong sense of loyalty and commitment, so I really do want to do it all. It is so humbling to find myself in a situation where even though I can walk and talk and look okay, I am still not there yet.

In a previous post I talked about how it feels to be completely helpless. This is really part two of that story. Because there is a season for everything, and recovery can be a long process.

Until next time: For some of you, I hope you are savoring your seasons of strength, peace and abundance while providing others hope and help to get them through the seasons of weakness, storms and need. For the rest of you, I feel greatly for your seasons of weakness, storms and need and hope you are able to find the hope and help to get you to a place of strength, peace and abundance.

Because I'm Happy?

Good afternoon, my dear friends.
Today's assignment is to write about things that make me happy.

When children are helpful without being forced.
Talking to people without reserve.
Meeting someone for the first time.
Figuring out something that didn't make sense before.
Talking to my husband before falling asleep.
An unmerited and unexpected kindness.
Watching my baby eagerly try to do things on her own.
Eating warm, fresh, delicious bread.
Connecting someone to just the right place/person/thing.
Making music that sounds amazing.
Dancing.
Singing.
A blissful yoga practice.
True love's kiss.
Reconciliation, forgiveness, being re-accepted by someone.
Being outdoors in the fresh air.
Laying in the warm golden sunshine.

And let's not forget - you ;)

Burnout

I awoke prematurely from a heavy sleep, realizing my husband had already left for the dinner leaving me with the two youngest girls, 4 years old and 8 months old. As I came to, nausea swept my body, accompanied by shaking and chills. I put the baby in her playpen, too weak to hold her. Her cries continued as I lay on the couch helpless, barely able to move. My condition frightened my 4 year old as my hands started stiffening so that I could only text for help by moving my whole arm. All I could do was ask for her to bring me a cup of milk. "I can't do it" came her tiny reply, and yet as the baby's cry quieted to the occasional shudder, she soon returned with a gallon of milk and a cup. I managed to swallow four cups, one after the other, until my fingers could move again, and thanked her for helping me. Finally, a bit of relief came as my body rid the stomach of whatever toxins had assailed it, but leaving no strength in the wake.

By the time their father made it back home the worst of it was over as he calmed our ruffled feathers. It would take a week for my strength to slowly return.

Ironically, before this happened I had the intention to write about burnout, having seen it happen so often around me as people push themselves or are pushed to their limits.

Folks, we do not know from whence where our strength comes until that strength is taken from us and we experience what it means to be completely and utterly helpless. Let's use our experiences of lack to really think about where our strength comes from and what kind of nourishment we need to be strong again.

Social Media Note

If you've been wondering where my writing has gone, you're not alone. You can check in with me on facebook, on the rare occasion twitter, and semi-regularly, on LinkedIn. If you know me, I'd love for you to send a request to connect! Hint: my latest post has just been posted on LinkedIn.

http://www.linkedin.com/in/ruthgay/en

https://www.facebook.com/ruth.gay

https://twitter.com/NRGEngineerRuth

https://plus.google.com/+RuthGayNRGEngineer/

I'm back into the swing of things at work, where there are a lot of exciting things going on! I've been at my current company two years, building up my base capabilities and meeting a lot of great people along the way. Really looking forward to what this year will bring, especially as the weather gets warmer. Thank you all for being my friends and supporting me (and my family) through all my (our) adventures!

Another kid update

I know I have been silent for a while. Much is due to getting back into the swing of things at work. I've also continued playing trombone, I rarely have a free evening. And we've had many heavy dumps of snow, making for a true New England winter! Our pipes in the laundry room froze again, damaging our washing machine - after the initial repairman consult, Mike decided to replace the pump on his own, savings us a significant amount of money. So glad to get caught up on laundry again this weekend!

Quick update on the kids:

Fiona has reached the 8 month mark, so I'm looking forward to her mastering new skills during this time! She can pull herself up to standing while holding onto something, and can push things around or walk while holding someone's hands. We're looking forward to warmer weather, as she has had a runny nose on and off the whole winter.

Derek and Elinor have been doing gymnastics all winter and loving it. We continue to homeschool. Looking forward to baseball and gardening once it gets warm enough!

a.k.a. Houdini

Let me tell you the story of a girl.

From her first great escape day 1, this girl is a mover!

This girl doesn't want to sit still.

She loves to see the world and sees no problem insurmountable.

At 6 months she is babbling, has two teeth, her eyes are steel blue like Daddy's were at her age. She grasps things by opening and closing her fingers. She's 14 lb, breastfed, lean, happy, and active; her crawling has become well coordinated. 

Why do we call her Houdini? She can't be contained! First she would not put up with swaddling. She needed her hands free and would not stop trying until she got them out of their bondage. She would use the weight of her head to move her body, rolling and plowing and squirming until she was right where she wanted to be (typically snuggled as close as possible to her mama in bed). Mama's milk is a great motivator! Then there was trying to dive/throw her top-heavy little self out of the high chair. After that we keep the tray in place to keep her safe! This girl knows instinctively whether someone is holding her securely or not. Go to big brother? gladly! Big sister Elinor - not a chance. But she responds with peals of laughter and silly smiles when Elinor makes outrageously silly sounds and faces at her. She won't lay down when she isn't sleepy, so try laying her in your lap for a diaper change and this girl wiggles and flips over! Now that she is crawling, watch out, she'll show up where you least expect her to be!