Why "Winning" an Argument Can Actually Hurt You

It happened again this morning. I did some math to figure out how much extra oil we had purchased beyond what was in the tank when we moved into our rental. My husband also did some math. We came up with two different answers. Both sure that our math was right, we were at a standstill.

This morning the practice of listening was put to the test. Even with the blessing of ears that can hear audible sounds, I was only willing to acknowledge my own voice.

Turned out our math was right after all. My calculation was based on the difference between the two readings (a delta) and the amount that was added to the tank (another delta). His was based on the total tank capacity. Our answers were in the same range, but we came at it from two very different approaches. 

Listening is more than the brain processing sounds into words. The labor of listening requires work until both parties "get it" - make the connection to the concept or intent the other person is trying to communicate. 

Listening requires an active engagement. What is gained from talking AT another person as the other person either passively accepts or actively ignores?

Listening demands a thoughtful response, and then a response to that response, back and forth as needed.  It means both sides question themselves, willing to identify exactly where the communication connection between them is broken.

Listening is accepting that your own concept or way of expressing the concept may be from a completely different perspective, a different context, or with different assumptions from the other person's. It's being willing to break down what you thought you knew and rebuild it stronger.

You can see why it's not easy. The breaking down process can hurt. It sometimes feels like you're being offended and devalued. It can feel like moving backwards on something you have already put a lot of energy into.

The risk of pain must be taken alongside the desired reward. When both voices are equally valued and considered, lasting personal growth and enlightenment is evidenced in both the speaker and the hearer.

"But the wisdom from above is first pure, then peaceable, gentle, open to reason, full of mercy and good fruits, impartial and sincere. And a harvest of righteousness is sown in peace by those who make peace.
James 3:17-18

This post is cross-posted to my LinkedIn blog as well.