Start by praying for God to open your heart to understand. Ask yourself if you are truly willing to open yourself up to allow God to change you in a way that improves your relationship with the other person and shows evidence of the Holy Spirit working within you, and pray to God asking him to do so. Remember that whatever you ask in Christ (that is, asking for what is in alignment with what God wants) will be given to you. I pray these things for you as well.
Read Ephesians 4, especially v31-32.
4:31 Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you, along with all malice. 4:32 Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you.
a) List what Paul urges us to put away
b) List what Paul tells us to replace it with
b) List what Paul tells us to replace it with
What is the content of your speech (what do you talk about)...
a) to your pastor or therapist?
b) to your friends?
a) to your pastor or therapist?
b) to your friends?
c) to friends/casual acquaintances?
d) to or around the specific person?
e) in your prayer to God - are you going to God in prayer?
d) to or around the specific person?
e) in your prayer to God - are you going to God in prayer?
How much of your words and thoughts flow out of the Eph 4:31 list?
a) How much of your conversation is complaining or talking about yourself?
a) How much of your conversation is complaining or talking about yourself?
b) Confess to God those parts of your thoughts and words that are frequently spilling out of the 4:31 list and start giving those things over to God.
c) Consider limiting complaining/“venting” to less than a third of your conversation, and only in private and limiting most of that to a very few trusted/wise persons. I have found people have started pulling away from me when the content of my speech is heavily weighted with complaining and dumping my woes/anxieties/tribulations. Yes, we want to be honest, but we also want our speech to be seasoned with the fruit of the spirit so as not to grieve God or others. Try to become aware of when your content becomes heavily weighted with your own concerns. Make a conscious decision to ask about the other person, showing a genuine interest in their life. Share and discuss the good things, not just the things that are weighing you down.
What would it look like if you replaced more of your conversation with the Eph 4:32 list?
Friend, my love goes out to you, and my prayer is for your encouragement and growth in such a difficult matter. Much of what you are going through has been part of what I am deeply wrestling with as well. I know God will get each of us through this, sometimes the progress feels slow but he is working great things for us in secret, and he is not done with us yet. He has a great desire for us to be at peace within ourselves and at peace with those around us.
Read Romans 12, especially v.19b, "Vengeance is mine, I will repay, says the Lord". God wants us to not only give our own sins to him but also lay at the cross the sins/offenses committed against us, give them over to Him. He wants you to leave those with him and forgive. He can handle it. He is in control. He uses even the hard things in our life for our good. Trust him.
What would it look like if you replaced more of your conversation with the Eph 4:32 list?
Read James 1, especially verse 19-20. Go through each: What does each of the James 1:19 practices say about God? What does it mean to you? How might you apply it to your own conversations?
a) be quick to listen
b) be slow to speak
c) be slow to anger
I personally find all three practices to be incredibly difficult when I am speaking with someone who is offending me in what they are saying. I either want to run away and stop my ears to avoid pain, or try to correct them and control what they say. In contrast, the first step to growth and progress is to follow these three practices found in James 1:19. My natural inclination is to be quick to anger. In the moment I tend to respond with destructive argumentative, blaming, or critical speech right back at them, returning “evil for evil”, but that allows the heat to rise and causes the conflict to escalate. Instead, I have to tell myself - close your mouth just a little longer. Refrain from responding right away. While it may not feel natural, letting the other person have their say (even when it hurts) in the end produces a more constructive and de-escalating effect rather than interrupting and insisting I add my own hurt feelings and angry responses to the mix. In the middle of the waiting through the person's uncomfortable or painful speech, praying silently and desperately to God. Turning it over to Him and trusting him completely.
a) be quick to listen
b) be slow to speak
c) be slow to anger
I personally find all three practices to be incredibly difficult when I am speaking with someone who is offending me in what they are saying. I either want to run away and stop my ears to avoid pain, or try to correct them and control what they say. In contrast, the first step to growth and progress is to follow these three practices found in James 1:19. My natural inclination is to be quick to anger. In the moment I tend to respond with destructive argumentative, blaming, or critical speech right back at them, returning “evil for evil”, but that allows the heat to rise and causes the conflict to escalate. Instead, I have to tell myself - close your mouth just a little longer. Refrain from responding right away. While it may not feel natural, letting the other person have their say (even when it hurts) in the end produces a more constructive and de-escalating effect rather than interrupting and insisting I add my own hurt feelings and angry responses to the mix. In the middle of the waiting through the person's uncomfortable or painful speech, praying silently and desperately to God. Turning it over to Him and trusting him completely.
How can you listen and respond constructively without being quick to speak? While it's not easy, you might try adopting an open and teachable attitude, taking to mind (listen to) what they're saying, reflecting on whether anything they are saying may be true or why they might be saying it. Try to sort out what's true versus what's an emotion they are feeling that may be exaggerated/reactive that can be let go and not taken too personally. Owning any and all of your own part in the conflict, apologizing where needed and committing yourself to working on those things in the future (whether you say those out loud or just commit them to God in your head silently). Work on responding minimally and calmly, without escalating or trying to control or complaining or bitterness. In some cases, like when you or the other person are worked up and not thinking clearly, one option is not responding/reacting at all outwardly (besides simple acknowledgement you heard them) but pausing yourself, taking a breath, accepting and moving on to focus on something else when you are able. Jotting it down later and reflecting in your private journal could be helpful in processing such hard and uncomfortable conversations, or bringing it up vulnerably with a trusted counselor later in private. Meanwhile, with longsuffering patience on our part, and throwing our dependence and trust entirely on God instead of leaning on our own feelings, reactions, and desires, the other person’s offensive speech will eventually move on and start to lose its power over you. When and if both you and the other person are in a state of mind to be open, willing and able to have a calm and productive discourse, focus on constructive problem solving rather than blame and shame, considering the other's interests and perspective, with the intent to understand and extend God's love and mercy. Trust God in this process. He's got this.
Friend, my love goes out to you, and my prayer is for your encouragement and growth in such a difficult matter. Much of what you are going through has been part of what I am deeply wrestling with as well. I know God will get each of us through this, sometimes the progress feels slow but he is working great things for us in secret, and he is not done with us yet. He has a great desire for us to be at peace within ourselves and at peace with those around us.
“These things I have spoken to you while I am still with you. But the Helper, the Holy Spirit, whom the Father will send in my name, he will teach you all things and bring to your remembrance all that I have said to you. Peace I leave with you; my peace I give to you. Not as the world gives do I give to you. Let not your hearts be troubled, neither let them be afraid." John 14:25-27
